


Impossible Promise

by Lozza342



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Blackouts, Character Death, Childhood Friends, Confessions, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, Flowers, Grief/Mourning, Letters, M/M, Making Up, Pro Volleyball Player Kageyama Tobio, Secrets, Terminal Illnesses, Time Skips, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-28
Updated: 2019-06-08
Packaged: 2019-11-06 22:57:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17948756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lozza342/pseuds/Lozza342
Summary: Kunimi has had random blackouts since he was a kid. He's used to them, can sometimes even tell when one's going to happen. The last thing he needs, however, is for it to happen in front of the person he loves.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was a little rushed... I wrote most of it on my lunch break at work and then some more again on my way home.
> 
> Sorry.

It was a weird feeling, like being on a rollercoaster with your eyes closed. Kunimi hated rollercoasters.

“Kunimi!”

The dizziness didn't leave him, nor his unconsciousness. He heard nothing after that.

He had been midair, mid-spike. His heart jumped unpleasantly and a distant pain shot through his head and his body failed. Not again.

It first happened when he was five. He was in class and he suddenly went light-headed. Everyone thought he was sleeping, but when he didn't wake up he was rushed to hospital. He didn't remember much of that day.

Kindaichi did. He cried so hard at the time, begging him not to die. Kunimi promised him he wouldn't.

A lie.

The second time it happened was at home just a few weeks later. He eventually woke up naked on the floor of the bathroom, shower still running. He dreaded his parents seeing the water bill.

He did have that one scare when he was just a baby… something to do with his heart... Kunimi wasn't one to make assumptions, nor to make a big deal, so he ignored it.

The third time, his parents took him to the hospital.

It wasn't like he was expecting to live a fulfilling life, anyway. At least no-one could say he never lived up to his full potential. After all, what potential did someone who passed out at any given moment have?

The fact that he was eventually going to die was nothing surprising. Everyone died, some earlier than others, and that didn't change anything. He wasn't sad about that. As long as he lived as he normally would, do the things he normally would do.

They advised against strenuous activity and exercise, to reduce risk of it occurring. His parents vehemently forbade it. When they found out he had joined the volleyball club when he started middle school, they shouted until their throats ran raw.

He didn't have another blackout until a few weeks later while he was tutoring his new friend Kageyama at his house. His parents ate their words then. They were going to happen whether he played volleyball or not. At least he was having fun.

Time went on and Kageyama slowly came to terms with the fact that Kunimi could die any second. He treated him as normal, sent him tosses that were way too polished by instinct and kept what he knew to himself. If anyone could hold a secret better than Kindaichi, it was Kageyama.

He wasn't expecting to fall in love with his best friend.

That was the hardest thing, leaving people behind. He loved his parents, they loved him, but they had had years to make peace with the fact they might lose him. He loved his friends, enjoyed their company but they would eventually forget him. He knew they'd all miss him, mourn him, but they didn't bother him half as much as Kindaichi.

-

“Kunimi!”

Kindaichi sprinted across the gym, almost being smacked square in the face by a volleyball. He felt the whoosh of air as it passed him but barely registered it.

“Never seen the kid run so fast.”

“Someone call an ambulance!” Iwaizumi's voice cut out all the background noise.

Any faces of amusement fell. Oikawa flinched.

Kindaichi skidded to a stop at Kunimi's side on his knees. He was motionless, unresponsive. This was like…

“No, no.” That had been the worst day of his life. He thought he was going to lose his best friend. But Kunimi promised. “Don't die on me, you promised!”

Hanamaki made a noise of unsure amusement. “He's not going to die, Kindaichi.”

A lie.

-

Kindaichi felt extremely out of place sat on a chair in the hospital hall, still in his kit, kneepads and all. That was until Iwaizumi and Oikawa showed up with coach Mizoguchi, dressed in their Aoba Johsai blues.

“He OK?”

“I don't know. I haven’t- I haven't heard anything yet.”

Kindaichi's eyes were red and stinging when he looked up. Mizoguchi stood silently for a couple of seconds before awkwardly moving off. Probably for coffee.

Iwaizumi sat down next to Kindaichi and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. Oikawa crouched in front of him, folding his arms over Kindaichi's knees.

“Kunimi-chan promised to stay until the end of practise today. I think coach came to lecture him again.”

Kindaichi didn't have anything to say at that, at anything. He re-buried his face in his hands and eventually began sobbing again, shoulders shaking with the force. Iwaizumi hugged him tighter and Oikawa rested his head on his arms, breath ghosting over his thigh.

He kept telling himself Kunimi was fine. He wasn't going to die. He was _Kunimi_. His best friend since… forever. They did everything together. He told Kunimi everything. There were secrets they shared that never saw the light of day. He needed Kunimi like he needed water. It was cliche but it was true. If Kunimi-

“Kindaichi Yuutarou?”

Two bodies shifted, close to falling asleep. Kindaichi didn't move.

“That's him.”

“Your friend is asking for you.”

Kindaichi's body flinched and then he looked up. “He's-?”

“Yeah, he's awake.”

“Can I-?”

Oikawa stood up on shaky legs to let him up, reluctantly allowing himself helped up by Iwaizumi. Oh, he forgot his bad knee.

“You go ahead, Kindaichi. We'll wait out here.”

“Unless of course Kunimi-chan asked for us too!”

“Thanks, guys…”

-

“Don't say anything. Please don't fucking say anything.”

The door slid shut with a satisfying, muffled sound. Kindaichi gritted his teeth to stop himself saying something anyway.

“You remember that time I blacked out in class?”

Kindaichi shuddered. It was ten years ago and the worst experience of his life. Of course he remembered it. “I thought you were dying.”

Kunimi's eyes flicked to the window in his room and he blinked away tears. He wasn't going to cry in front of Kindaichi. Anyone but him.

“I was right, wasn't I?”

“I hope you're not mad I broke my promise.”

“I could never be mad at you, Akira.”

Kunimi ducked his head. He always loved the way he said his name.

-

“Jump higher, dammit!”

“Are you thick or something?! I literally just said I _can't_!” Kindaichi's legs were burning, fingertips tingling with the sensation of just barely scraping the ball. The last one didn't even make it over the net.

“Can we go one set without an argument?” A second-year sighed from the bench. Kindaichi glared daggers at them and they instantly regretted their existence.

Kageyama's hands were in fists, eyes staring hard at the middle blocker as if doing so would force him to obey, despite his physical capabilities making it impossible.

“Just lower the toss, Kageyama. At least he'll hit it.” Kunimi said from his side. Kageyama's glare shifted to him. “Please.”

“If you want him to hit it, get him to jump higher!”

Kindaichi had never missed practise before. Today he had had enough. Since when did Kageyama become so intolerable? He used to be an amazing setter.

He ignored the whispers in the gym as he stormed out. He didn't care what people had to say about him. He just wanted to go home.

For the first time in his life, Kindaichi contemplated quitting volleyball for good. At least then maybe he could focus on his studies. Kitagawa Daiichi wasn't all that, not now Oikawa and Iwaizumi were gone.

“Hey.”

The middle blocker jumped as high as the ceiling and almost tripped over the trousers he was putting on. “Kunimi, don't _do_ that!”

“What?” He asked innocently.

“You bloody know what!” He said, pulling his trousers up with a huff.

“Wrong way.”

They weren't, but Kindaichi looked anyway. He wasn't amused.

-

Kageyama knew Kunimi was hanging onto life by a thread. He looked fine, played fine, but all of a sudden his body would just shut down, heart stuttering and head shooting. It was the first and biggest secret he had been told to keep. Any time it happened could be his last. _Any_. He wanted to take Kunimi to nationals.

The problem was Kindaichi, apparently, or maybe just the way Kindaichi was constantly doubting himself. They could never get to nationals like that. “If he knew, maybe-”

“No. I'm not telling him that I might die one day.” Kunimi said flatly, well aware of the fact that was true if he was terminally ill or not.

“You don't seem upset about _me_ knowing…”

“Because you can take it. You're like me. We know people die and can get used to it over time…”

“Kindaichi knows people die.”

“That's not what I'm saying, Kageyama.” Kunimi said with a sigh. He looked down for a moment and pursed his lips inward, teeth digging in harshly to futilely fight back tears. “I don't think I could take it if I saw him cry over me.”

Kageyama was looking at him across the kotatsu with wide eyes. So what, he could cry. Despite that thought, though, he had never recalled such a time. He guessed there was a first time for everything. Crying was a normal human behaviour, after all.

He just didn't want to see the love of his life find out. He'd rather die than ever see him in such pain.

“You don't think that's selfish?”

Kunimi's head shot up, tears clouding his vision. “Excuse me?”

“By saying you would rather he mourn you after you were dead. Don't you think he'd rather mourn you while you were still alive? Not wanting to see him upset takes that away from him.”

Huh. And they said Kageyama Tobio wasn't smart. It didn't stop Kunimi from refusing. He couldn't do it. He couldn't.

-

“Yuutarou. The next time… _that_ happens I could-”

“Don't say it!”

“Chances are I'll die.”

Kindaichi turned his head, but it didn't hide the soft sound of his tears hitting the floor.

“Please don't cry.”

“I can't lose you, Akira. You're my best friend. My _only_ -” He hiccuped, not able to hide his upset. “What will I do without you?”

“C'mere, you big idiot.” Kunimi said with a wobbly voice, somewhere on a line between amusement, devastation and adoration. Kindaichi finally looked back at him from across the tiny room.

He was crying too. Kunimi Akira was crying, wetness on his cheeks reflected by the ceiling light. He wasn't lying this time. This was the cold, hard truth. Why? Why did it have to be him?

“Akira, don't die.” Kindaichi said, voice losing all control as he stepped to him and embraced him.

Kindaichi's hugs were the best. His arms were strong. Kunimi felt right at home here. Safe and warm and a little bit squashed. It was perfect apart from the sobbing into his neck right next to his ear.

“I'm sorry, I can't promise you that this time.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of dialogue in this one, forgive!

“Yuutarou, honey, you're going to miss practise.”

“So what?”

“You've been doing so well. You can't quit now.”

He could if he wanted. He was going to quit back in middle school. The one person who made him stick around? Kunimi. If he wasn't there, what was the point?

He promised Kunimi he'd go into school today. He didn't promise he'd go to practise.

Even just going to school was difficult. The bus ride was too quiet even with more people around. He was usually the one talking, loud and grating that he had been told to shut up more than once by the same person sat behind him.

He didn't have to worry about how far apart he should walk from his best friend as they passed the gates. Today, he wished there weren't so many people close to him, people who weren't Kunimi.

Maybe he should've gone to practise. At least he would’ve had someone to talk to.

Lunch was quiet. There was no rushing over to class 1-6 to tell Kunimi about how he almost scored a full mark in a test only to be lazily presented Kunimi's own test, 100/100 every damn time.

It wasn't like there were days that Kunimi skipped school. There were plenty of those. Kindaichi wondered how many of them were actually spent in hospital. This was different though. Knowing that one day, one day soon, this would be the norm.

He had tried. He had tried to do it. To stay at school.

“Where do you think your going?” Iwaizumi's voice sounded from behind him, catching him in the act.

Kindaichi stopped dead, gripped the strap of his bag tighter. “Home.”

“We have practise after school.”

“I'm not going.”

“Yeah, you are.”

Kindaichi took in a breath and spun around, entirely ready to shout at him, but when he saw everyone else, he paused.

“Coach said he'd drive you to the hospital afterwards if you stayed.” Yahaba said from behind Watari, face sweating with the exertion of keeping a grip on Kyoutani's arm.

Why were they all here? Had they been spying on him?

“You have this morning to catch up on, too.” Oikawa said sternly. There were times, like this, where he was actually really responsible. He had stopped asking himself why Oikawa was captain and Iwaizumi wasn't a whole long time ago.

“I'm sorry- I just- I can't do it.”

“Sure you can.” Matsukawa said. “You're not physically hurt, are ye?”

That wasn't the point. Everyone knew it, but it meant a lot coming from Matsukawa, currently holding tight to Hanamaki's hand. He could very easily take a flippant attitude in such a situation, put on a face and pretend he wasn’t hurting, but the way his jaw was set told Kindaichi a lot.

He wasn't the only one upset. Hanamaki's eyes were red and looked sore and Watari still had wet cheeks. So they all knew. For how long? Was he the only one?

“Come to practise. We can't have  _ both _ of you gone. How are you supposed to beat Tobio?”

That was the least of his worries, really, but he couldn't argue with his captain.

-

Kageyama gingerly opened the door to the hospital room, head dipped a little below his shoulders. He knew Kunimi asked for him, but it didn’t make it any more awkward that the first time he had seen him properly since middle school was because of this.

“Tobio.”

Kageyama couldn’t meet Kunimi’s eyes and the box of caramels in his hand was really heavy all of a sudden. He hadn’t called him that in a long time. As the door shut behind him, he finally looked up. He paused. Kindaichi was sat in a chair facing the bed, slumped over with his head buried in the sheets and his hand gripping Kunimi’s.

“Don’t worry. He’s asleep.”

For the record, he wasn’t worrying. Kindaichi was the one who had a problem with him, not the other way around.

“I’ll come back later.”

“Don’t be stupid. He’s not going anywhere anytime soon.” Kunimi said softly, running his free hand through Kindaichi’s hair affectionately. “If It’s the last thing I do, I’m putting things right.”

Kageyama sighed, releasing the tension in his shoulders. “What happened wasn’t your fault.”

“No, it was yours.” Kunimi deadpanned. Kageyama started but Kunimi cut in again. “That doesn’t matter. The fact is, I never should’ve kept this from him. You were right when you said what you did. It’s only hurting him more now.”

“I told you.”

Kunimi huffed. Kageyama may have changed a bit, but he could still be downright thick. How he put up with these two boneheads all this time he could never know. “You wanting to hold my hand too?” He said with a snicker and a wink, holding his hand out. He enjoyed the way Kageyama blushed and passed him his caramels instead, sitting down opposite Kindaichi.

“You’re getting good at reading people, Tobio. I think one of you is actually getting somewhere.”

“Is he…?”

“He’s OK. He’s… struggling, but OK.” Kunimi said, willing his voice to stay settled. “And you?”

“I didn’t think it would be so soon.”

“Don’t get your hopes up so easily, Tobio. I might live another couple of years yet.” Kunimi said with a pout. He knew he probably didn’t need to cheer him up as much as Kindaichi, but no matter how calm Kageyama seemed, it was clear he was struggling as well.

“Then why are you still here?”

“I’m leaving tomorrow.”

“Huh?”

Kunimi sighed, fiddled with the wrapping of the box until Kageyama took it from him to do himself. “I could stay here and wait for it to happen again or I can leave and keep going as if it never happened.”

“Won’t it happen regardless?”

“I want to see Yuutarou as much as possible before I die. I can’t do that stuck in here.”

“You love him, don’t you?”

“I didn’t think you knew that word, Tobio.” Kunimi said with mock surprise, though his eyes told Kageyama his answer.

“I think I only learnt it recently.” Kageyama admitted, passing the open box to Kunimi and throwing the rubbish away.

“Good for you, Tobio. You deserve it.”

Kageyama blinked in surprise. He knew? “What do you mean?”

Kunimi hummed softly as he chewed on one of the caramels. “It’s that shorty, right?”

Kageyama flushed red. “No! It’s not!” He shouted in denial, loud enough for Kindaichi to jump straight out of his seat and grip Kunimi’s hand tighter.

“Akira-” Kindaichi froze. Kunimi looked up at him, completely fine and awake. His heart fluttered in relief until his eyes settled on Kageyama.

Of all people to show up now it was Kageyama. It was inevitable they would cross paths, considering Kindaichi refused to leave Kunimi alone and Kageyama was going to come and see him sooner or later. It didn’t make him any gladder to see him though.

“I’m fine, Yuutarou.” Kunimi assured, but his attention was elsewhere.

“Kageyama.”

“Kindaichi.”

They both stared each other for a few long moments, until Kunimi squeezed Kindaichi’s hand and then glared at him.

“What?”

“Sit down. This isn’t what I called him over for.”

“You-?”

“Yes. Sit.”

Kindaichi sat, pulling his hand from Kunimi’s and then staring at the bed.

“I’m going to say this while I still can. You both are going to listen and you’re not going to speak. Got it?”

Kindaichi nodded but didn’t look up. Kageyama looked between the two of them and nodded his head once, eyes sliding back to look at Kindaichi.

“I have never known anyone as thick as you two. You’re both incredibly stupid and irresponsible and you’re complete children.” Kunimi started, watching them both gritting their teeth in their effort not to bite back a response. “But. You’re the two best friends I’ve ever had and I wouldn’t change you for the world.”

He was glad he couldn’t see Kindaichi’s face, just watching his shoulders shake was enough. Kageyama looked confused, trying to figure out whether he should be angry or not.

“The one thing I need you both to do though, is cut out the shit. Especially you, Yuutarou. Tobio had a reason to do what he did. He was desperate. Desperate because he knew I wanted to go to nationals before I died.”

Kindaichi looked up, eyes teared up yet again. “What?”

He had tried, at least, to keep them both quiet. “He knew I was dying. A long time ago.”

Kindaichi’s look shifted to Kageyama who dipped his head. Kunimi saw an anger in Kindaichi’s eyes that was unfounded. There was no reason Kindaichi should assume it was Kageyama in the wrong.

“I made him promise not to tell you. So if you want to be angry at someone, be angry at me.”

The subject of why he hadn’t told Kindaichi hadn’t come up. It was fairly obvious. Kunimi didn’t want to be treated differently, he didn’t want Kindaichi to be upset - There were so many reasons. Why was Kageyama different?

“You guys need to get over yourselves and think about me for once.” They both turned to him. Kunimi unashamedly popped a salted caramel in his mouth and shut his eyes contentedly as he sucked. He must’ve had hundreds at this point but he couldn’t give a shit. If he was going to die, it was going to be after eating his weight in the stuff. “Tobio, we both wanted to go to nationals but you never listened to me. If you had just stopped and thought about it, we could've got there.”

“S- I'm sorry, Akira.”

Kindaichi's shoulders shifted and Kunimi braced his ears.

“Sorry ain't gonna cut it, Kageyama. You knew he was dying and  _ still _ all you did was jeopardize the team! How was anything you did gonna help get us to nationals?!”

“ _ Yuutarou Kindaichi _ !”

Kindaichi flinched hard. Yeah, he knew. He was looking for ways to shift the conversation to Kageyama, blame him for everything because it made everything easier. The thing was, blaming Kageyama did nothing but hurt Kindaichi each time, like he was slowly cutting himself over and over. It was stupid, because it would be much easier to get it over and done with, expose himself in one fell swoop. Apologise and cry and hug his best friend because he wasn't angry at him. He was angry at himself.

Guilt that deep couldn't just be bandaged up.

“You need to stop being so proud. You  _ know _ that Tobio needed you, needed us. What you did was right. I stood right there with you. What wasn't right was taking it so far.” He could tell Kindaichi didn't want to hear it. Honestly, he probably knew already, but he needed to be told outright. “You made it worse and worse because you were too damn proud to apologise for one stupid argument and now look at it.”

“Akira…”

“Don't think for one second that Tobio hated you. He loved you, he still loves you. We both do. And no matter how much you deny it and will still deny it. You love him too.”

“I-!”

Kunimi raised an eyebrow and he heard the snap of teeth.

Kageyama was quiet. He got very quiet when Kindaichi needed time to figure things out. He hadn't changed since middle school in that respect.

“Tobio. Hit Yuutarou for me.”

“Eh?!”

“Why?”

“Because I told you to.”

Kindaichi twitched, then glared at Kageyama. “You fucking move and I'll kill you.”

“Listen to me, Tobio.”

Kageyama couldn't possibly hit Kindaichi. Not again.

“It's that or hug him.” Kunimi shrugged. “Whichever is easier.”

“Akira…!”

“Yuutarou, just forget it already. Everything will be so much easier if you just made up.” Kunimi sighed. He was tired. Tired of picking a side, of trying to keep them from tearing each others’ throats out. It was all catching up to him. “Please?”

Kindaichi bit his lip hard. Kunimi pretended not to notice but his voice cracked, betraying his calm façade.

“Why should I?” He harrumphed, a last ditch effort, really, as he folded his arms, eyes unintentionally flicking between the bed and Kageyama. Now he was just being childish again.

Kunimi shifted in his bed, sat up and adjusted the caramels on his lap. “You're being a child. Tobio has changed, why can't you just accept that?”

“Because  _ I _ couldn't help him! What's so wrong with me that the only thing I'm good at is pushing people away?!”

“You hide behind lies, that's why. You don't hate Tobio. You never hated Tobio. You  _ still _ don't. Do you seriously believe he'd know that?”

Kindaichi looked at Kageyama for a split second. His head was turned away, cogs turning in his head. “Why... did you say it?”

“You piss me off, that's why.” Kindaichi said through gritted teeth, so desperately not letting his glare fail. “You were such a dick to us.”

“And you weren't?” Kunimi asked, eyebrow raised.

Kindaichi span to Kunimi. “I  _ was _ , OK?! You  _ know _ I was! I'm  _ sorry _ !”

“You don't need to say it to me, Yuutarou.”

But saying it to Kageyama…

“Kindaichi…”

Kunimi wondered how Kindaichi wasn't whining about his neck yet, what with the way his head snapped back to glare at Kageyama.

“I just wanted Kunimi to go to nationals. I know you didn't know… but I was trying all on my own. You did nothing to help.”

Kunimi winced at how that sounded, and Kindaichi stood up way too fast for Kunimi's liking.

“You know what, I'm trying to apologise and all you do is insult me! Constantly! You're not exactly giving me a good reason to!”

“All I did was my best, you did too, I know you did!”

“So what? Now your saying my best wasn't good enough?”

“Guys, shut up.”

“That was a  _ compliment _ !”

“Didn't sound like one to me!”

Kunimi sighed deeply. The last thing he wanted was to make things worse. He wasn't making things worse, was he?

“I'm still here, you know…” Kunimi said, defeated and tired. “I'm not gonna be here forever.”

The tears gathered in his eyes fell as he blinked and he inwardly sighed in relief that the other two shut up.

“You're both still looking for reasons to fight. I shouldn't be surprised, you're both idiots, you're hard-wired that way. But please stop, for my sake.”

The other two knew, perhaps they were unconsciously trying to keep the subject away from the bigger issue. It was so much easier to be at each others' throats than to man up and apologise to each other and spend the last of Kunimi's life actually friends again.

“If it helps for you two talk alone, then do that. But I know you two, more than anyone in the world. If I wasn't here, if we weren't in this situation, it would be a terribly long time before you actually grew up.”

“So you keep saying…”

“Then stop me saying it and get over yourself, Yuutarou.”

Kindaichi's eyes flicked between Kunimi and Kageyama and made a 'tch’ sound. It was a tactic to give him those couple of extra seconds. Pretend it wasn't something he had desperately wanted to do the second they had that first fight.

“Fine. I'm sorry.”

It was said under his breath and through teeth and childish in every sense. It was everything Kindaichi was and Kunimi laughed.

“I think I missed that, what did you say?”

“Shut up, Akira.” He said with his head dipped.

Kageyama couldn't say he wasn't expecting it one day, probably a long time in the future, but he was entirely expecting it to be said in such a way. It didn't make it any less frustrating but he had said sorry.

“Am I allowed to apologise now, too?”

“Fine.”

“I'm sorry I didn't push you hard enough.”

“Eh?!”

Kunimi was just as surprised at that, but he let Kageyama continue. This was something that desperately needed to be said.

“You did your best, I know you did. It was me who killed your potential. We… could've gone to nationals with the team we had… It's my fault.”

Kindaichi was speechless. Kindaichi was  _ never  _ speechless.

“Tobio, don't worry about it.”

Like he could not worry about it. Kunimi hadn't asked for much from him.

“Kageyama…”

Kageyama wiped his eyes with a tissue and refused to look up. He didn't cry often, and had certainly never cried in front of Kindaichi. He didn't want to know how much guiltier he would've felt if he ever saw him cry.

“I'm so sorry, Akira, Yuutarou.”

“Don't be. You did your best too.”

“I didn't- I-” Kindaichi stuttered. If only one of them had pulled it together they could've checked that off his bucket list pretty damn easily.

“I know, Yuutarou. I've always known.”

Kageyama was still terrible with reading some people, especially Kindaichi. Or perhaps Kunimi was the only one who could possibly read Kindaichi.

“He didn't mean anything he said back then. He didn't mean to upset you.”

“How did-?”

“-I know what he meant? He does it all the time.”

A nervous thing, when he couldn't quite find the words, had something to say that he just couldn't. Kunimi always knew what he was trying to say.

“I was angry and upset with you. I still am.”

“But friends fight all the time.” Kageyama said quietly, the other two looked at him in surprise. “I forgive you, Yuutarou.”

Kindaichi played with his fingers as he eyed Kageyama's outstretched hand.

“I forgive you, too. I get it. You were only trying your best. For-for Akira.” Kindaichi said, voice cracking. He ignored the hand, rounded the bed and hugged Kageyama, wrapped his arms around him and crushed him.

Kageyama was stiff in his hold but it made Kunimi giggle softly and it was the sweetest giggle in the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I underestimated how long this would be, and after realising having Kageyama and Kindaichi make up would take a whole lot more words than I initially thought, there might be one (maybe 2) more chapter(s)...


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eh, this one ended pretty abruptly... I can't seem to figure out to end them properly... Terribly sorry
> 
> And again I lied, there will be two more chapters after this in the very least.

Kageyama hadn't got any less awkward, both of them found out, as Kindaichi pried himself away after a more than comfortable time hugging. He understood, though, if his blush was anything to go off.

“Any longer and you'd be obliged to take him on a date, Tobio.” Kunimi snickered, cheeks puffed with salted caramel.

“What?” Kageyama said, eyes too panicked to fit with his seemingly calm composure.

Kindaichi's lips moved restlessly for a moment, unsure whether to take offence. “He was joking, chill.” He said, perching on the edge of Kunimi's bed. His hands wrung restlessly in front of him, and the silence that fell was awkward.

“C'mon, don't go grumpy on me now, Yuutarou.” Kunimi said, muffled by the sweets in his mouth, and jabbed him in the side with his foot. “It's almost six, don't leave upset.”

Kindaichi's head whipped up to the clock and he cursed under his breath. “Already?”

“You're the one who fell asleep on my ass.”

“Sorry…”

Kunimi didn't mind. He got to hold his hand for the best part of half an hour without Kindaichi pulling away.

Although Kageyama wasn't the best at picking up social cues, Kunimi was the one person Kageyama knew more than any other and when Kunimi was blushing there was only one thing on his mind - Kindaichi Yuutarou - The guy he had been pining over for years. He sent Kunimi a glance which Kunimi pointedly ignored.

“Don't be. As long as you're here.”

“Not for much longer.”

“Stop being a pessimist.”

“Pessi-?”

“How can I?!” Kindaichi said, cutting Kageyama off abruptly.

Kunimi sighed, rolling his eyes under his lids as he closed them. “I'm getting out of hospital tomorrow.”

“You-?”

“I'm not spending the rest of my life in a hospital bed. Not least if you're brooding at school on your own all day.”

Kageyama stood quietly, watching them bicker. He still didn't know what a pessimist was, but it probably wasn't a good thing. Kunimi casted a glance at him in retaliation for before.

“I don't  _ brood _ !” Kindaichi denied, and even Kageyama had to disagree. That's all he  _ ever _ did.

“You're full of shit.” Kageyama droned. Kunimi laughed out loud.

Kindaichi didn't even have chance to glare at Kageyama. His attention was on Kunimi, his flash of teeth and eyes glistening with tears - of both laughter and something else.

“I love you guys.”

Both of them went rigid, bodies heating and eyes darting across to each other, then down.

“C'mere, Tobio.” Kunimi beckoned as the announcer reminded the end of visitation hours. He outstretched his arms and Kageyama walked stiffly into them. “You're the worst hugger.” Kunimi grumbled, but his lips in a playful pout. One that connected with Kageyama's jaw.

Kindaichi's raised his eyebrows in surprise, expecting another. However, Kageyama pulled back with a faint blush and held breath.

The machine's beeps barely fluttered. Then Kunimi flicked his eyes to Kindaichi.

“You too.”

His arms stretched in his direction this time, expectant and shaking almost imperceptibly. Kindaichi got the urge to turn away. Kunimi was never this affectionate. The tears in his eyes didn't help either. The steady increase of Kunimi's heartbeat so very obvious in the beeps of the monitor were hard to ignore though, so he shifted to kneel forward and curl his arms around his best friend.

Except, he didn't expect Kunimi's hand to thread in his hair and pull him to his face, or his other to wind to his side.

It was entirely embarrassing, how his heart was almost literally on show. The beeping of the monitor steadily increased in frequency until it turned into an alert signal.

Kunimi didn't care, not when Kindaichi's eyes wide in shock closed, when his tense muscles relaxed as he let Kunimi have this one kiss. Did he want it? Probably not, but it didn't stop him giving it to him anyway.

Fire. His lips were on fire. His face too and, dare he say it, elsewhere. Kindaichi had never been kissed before, not even by a girl. He never expected it to feel this good.

The epitome of an awkward teen, Kageyama assumed now was probably best to leave them alone, so he turned to leave. All at once, the door to the room opened and Kunimi's hand grabbed his wrist.

Kunimi pulled back, slow, following a couple of final kisses to Kindaichi's now puffed lips. “I've always wanted to do that.” He admitted through a breath, not daring to look in the direction of the doctor who rushed in at the false alarm.

The middle blocker was perfectly silent, just the soft beating of his heart and his laboured breath cutting through to Kunimi's ears, crisp as anything while he tuned out the sound of the door opening and closing again. The doctor, probably, considering Kageyama was still held firmly in his grip.

“I- We…” Kageyama began, clearing his throat. “Visiting hours are over.”

“You're such a mood killer.” Kunimi said to Kindaichi's face still so close to his. He dropped his hands upon the realisation he still had his hands fisted in his hair and he closed his eyes again. The eerie feeling of being stared at never left, neither did the racing heartbeat.

“Akira…”

“I'll see you tomorrow, Yuutarou. And if I found out you haven't been going to school, I'll-”

He had tried to skip, at least. That was the last thing on his mind, though. His best friend just kissed him. No, it was more than that. Words failed, though, and so he did the only thing he could think of.

While Kunimi's eyes were still closed, Kindaichi leaned in to surprise him with a kiss of his own. Granted, Kunimi was probably better off without the inexperienced peck on the lips but what did it matter? It was something.

Kunimi's eyes shot wide and he quickly pulled back. As if burned, Kindaichi did too, and they both shot a look to the bed.

“Sorry, I thought-”

“I'll walk to yours tomorrow morning. I'll be early, so could you make me breakfast?”

A rather bold ask, Kageyama thought, considering he had just pulled back from Kindaichi's affection. At least Kunimi had let go of his wrist.

Kindaichi didn't seem to take it badly, even looking back up and smiling. “Sure thing. Full English?”

“God, I knew I loved you for something.” Kunimi said with a soft smile, though his cheeks were red enough that he couldn't hide from his obvious embarrassment.

“Wh-What?” Kindaichi's cheeks were even redder, and he turned to look at Kageyama as if that would give him an answer to his rather nonspecific question. Or maybe it was to skip out on holding Kunimi's gaze.

Except, it  _ would _ give him an answer. Kageyama simply nodded his head, blush the lightest of the three. “How long has it been, Akira?”

“Too long.”

“What has?” Kindaichi asked sheepishly, though in reality he knew.

“Tobio, I'll leave Yuutarou in your capable hands… Now he's not intent on ripping your throat out.” Kunimi said light-heartedly, brushing fingers over Kindaichi's knuckles where his hands fisted the sheets of his hospital bed.

Right. That was it. Visiting hours ended a few minutes ago. The only reason they were still here was the doctor's sympathy… and embarrassment.

“Akira, I'll see you tomorrow morning. With breakfast.”

“See you tomorrow, Yuutarou.”

It was hard to leave, unbelievably so. It hadn't gotten any easier in these few days to get used to knowing any goodbye could be a last, but considering Kunimi was so nonchalant about it, Kindaichi tried to be, too.

It didn't stop his hands shaking when he exited the hospital, and it didn't stop him turning to Kageyama for comfort. A comfort he hadn't needed in years, or a comfort he had deluded himself into believing he hadn't needed.

“Why didn't he… Why wait until now?” Kindaichi asked, grabbing the fabric of Kageyama's jacket at the elbows. His voice faltered, and he cursed himself for it, wishing for once he could at least pretend to be OK.

“I don't know.” Kageyama said simply, looking everywhere but at Kindaichi's shattered face.

“Tobio… I'm so sorry. C-Crap, why-”

Kageyama let Kindaichi's head fall to his shoulder, let him grip his arms and cry. He couldn't do much but that, stay still and let him get his emotions out. Because Kageyama had had years to come to terms with this. Kindaichi had had just days. “I don't mind.” He said, teeth grinding together with the effort not to break down too. Kindaichi needed him, and he would never let him down, never again.

Like old times, they got the bus home together. It was silent, unlike old times but very much like new. Until Kindaichi, staring out the window, spoke, voice croaking, “I think I might love him.”

“Hmm?” Kageyama asked, turning to him. Kindaichi didn't move, not his face, not the fingers curled into his trousers.

“How… How do you know?”

“You just…  _ do _ .”

Right. Kageyama wasn't the best person to ask about feelings. He just was the only person there. “He… He kissed me, does that mean-?”

“Mean what?”

Kindaichi had spent too long with Kunimi, expecting everyone to know what he meant without finishing a question. His heart cracked a little more, and so did his voice as he elaborated. “Does he love me?”

“He's loved you for years, idiot.”

He didn't even start an argument, just paused and let a tear run the length of his cheek before he wiped it away. “It would be easier to forgive him if this was all just a cruel joke.” Kindaichi said without humour.

“I told him to tell you. First year of middle school.”

“That long, huh…?”

He couldn't voice his surprise in any other way. Kindaichi was so broken he couldn't even act himself. His voice didn't fluctuate from a drone, and he hated himself for it.

“Probably longer.”

That didn't make it any better, but it was Kageyama so Kindaichi would forgive him. “I wish I didn't fall for him just now.”

He could make the same mistake as before and shut Kunimi out, argue with him and pretend to hate him. Except he couldn't. He couldn't let Kunimi die thinking the boy he loved hated him. Then again, Kunimi knew everything about him, Kunimi would know he was denying it to make it easier.

It wouldn't be easier when he died, though. Kageyama was still here. Kindaichi could apologise and make up with him because he was still alive.

Kunimi could be dead right now, for all he knew.

He could die within the next few hours or next couple of years.

It wasn't at all reassuring.

“If he won't confess to me, I will.”

“I think he already did. And you.”

“Huh?”

Kageyama looked down, face pink. “You think that kiss was purely friendly?” He then smiled and looked up, catching Kindaichi's tired eyes. “You kissed him back. Was that just friendly?”

Oh.

Kunimi looked like shit when he turned up at Kindaichi's in the ass hours of the morning. He would be the first to admit mornings weren't exactly his thing - especially ones that involved sneaking out just to get to morning practise.

His parents were under the impression that he needed to quit volleyball.

Yeah, as if he would give up volleyball because of some dumb heart condition. There was no way he was spending his last days avoiding one of the things he loved most about living in the first place.

Of course, what took the number one reason for living was fiddling with the lock on the other side of the door to let him in.

For a morning person, he looked almost worse for wear than Kunimi did.

“Take it that means no breakfast?” Kunimi asked, stepping inside with a quiet, “excuse me.”

Running a hand through his rather impressive bedhead, Kindaichi shut the door behind him. “I didn't know you meant  _ this _ early!”

Kunimi pouted his lips as he took his shoes off and hung his bags up. “You can do it now.”

For a moment, Kindaichi looked as if he was going to refuse, but he rolled his eyes and relented. “Fine, fine.”

“Pushover.”

“Don't bite the hand that feeds you, Akira.”

“There's gotta be a better way of wording that.” Kunimi said with a snicker, and Kindaichi's confused look was all Kunimi could ask for. An ‘I love you’ played on his lips, begging to be said, but he didn't. The kiss had probably been reactive.

Kunimi's mind didn't usually work like that. Kindaichi didn't do many things off-the-cuff, the kiss was likely not.

Still, since yesterday his heart couldn't settle. He completely ignored his parents’ speeches about taking it easy and not doing anything to stress his heart. That meant many things. Sports, running, and the one thing guaranteed to be the worst? Kindaichi.

Being the epitome of an ungrateful guest, Kunimi let Kindaichi dote on him - cook an English breakfast for two. Kindaichi couldn't exactly cook much else, despite his mother being a professional, but considering most of the team didn't believe he could even cook a pot of rice, he was doing just fine.

Everything about it was surreal, the feeling like he was in a vivid dream. Maybe it was the fact he hadn't actually slept very much after getting home and listening to his parents rant. He couldn't care much for their words anymore. He couldn't care much for anything, except the way Kindaichi hummed softly as he cooked. It wasn't as lively as Kunimi knew it to be most of the time, although he considered Kindaichi's own parents were still fast asleep in the next room and appreciated that fact.

Kunimi didn't dare interrupt him by talking. It was terribly overrated, anyway. He much preferred it this way, not expecting it to last, of course.

"I skipped yesterday's morning practise. I hope you won't kill me for that." Kindaichi said, cutting off his solemn tune.

"I know you did. I won't kill you."

"Who-?"

"Practically everyone, I think," Kunimi said with a smirk, "They're all really worried about you."

A few minutes of silence fell over them again, sizzling of the pan the only thing either of them could hear. "They shouldn't be."

"I hope they continue to be, because  _ someone _ needs to look after you." After Kunimi was gone, after Kindaichi was left to fend for himself at school.

They ate breakfast mostly in silence, something hanging over them that pushed their shoulders down while they ate. Kunimi couldn't even bring himself to thank Kindaichi, but he didn't seem to mind.

Kindaichi needed cheering up. For that, Kunimi knew he himself needed to cheer up. It was difficult, considering, and that it was usually Kindaichi trying to cheer  _ him _ up and not the other way around.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You might need tissues for the next one, maybe? Heads up? Or something.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe I forgot my own son's birthday... At 9 when I'm walking into work... and now I need to find something quick to write.
> 
> For now. A lot of pain.
> 
> Was planning on waiting to release this but... Eh, gotta have at least something if I don't manage to finish something.
> 
> I'm sorry... but not.

Over the next weeks, every chance they got they were together. Going to school, lunchtimes, practise, going home again - usually to Kunimi's house considering his parents were especially worried.

Kunimi wondered if someone could ever get fed up with spending all their time with another person. Not him with Kindaichi. He could never get fed up with Kindaichi.

In any case, Kunimi was glad for Kindaichi's lenience with his sudden neediness. He wouldn't blame Kindaichi for shying away from him. It was wishful thinking that he loved him too. Kindaichi was all he ever wanted, really, and he would never be able to have him.

Kindaichi didn't know what to do with himself. He was all too aware of the longing glances and lingering touches Kunimi gave him sometimes. When was the right time to do the same back? Would it hurt more if he acted on his own feelings or kept them to himself? And who would it hurt more? Him or Kunimi?

"Hey, you… want to come round mine for a change?" Kindaichi asked uneasily as they waited at the bus. A couple of boys from other clubs milled about, loud conversations drowning out Kindaichi's timid tone.

Kunimi didn't look at him, stared off to the distance watching for the bus. "I'll have to ask."

"Yeah, sure… If not we'll go to yours again, so it's no big deal!" Kindaichi said, shrugging as if his suggestion was pointless. Kunimi disagreed with that. It meant a lot to him. He hadn't seen Kindaichi's room in a while and he missed the smell of washing powder and hair wax.

A definitive 'no' from his parents, and a lie to Kindaichi later, Kunimi practically heard the middle blocker beaming with joy. He'd never wanted to kiss those lips so much in his life.

-

"I have to go home."

"Why?! Has something happened?" Kindaichi fretted, picking up Kunimi's bag from the floor so he didn't have to bend down.

Kunimi had never told him to stop doing that but he took it from him with gratitude. "Nothing. I lied to them and they don't want me to go to practise any more."

"You're going to let them run your life?" Kindaichi asked in his newest tone of voice. Each day he got more and more agitated the more Kunimi was restricted by his parents. The result being an entirely new voice of contempt. "You tell them how we won that practise match last week? How many points you scored?"

"I told them I sat on the bench and watched."

This was news to Kindaichi. Under the impression that Kunimi's parents had actually been a little lenient lately. So how much of it was a lie? "Right…"

Kunimi stood up from his desk and shucked the bag up his shoulder. "Sorry, Kindaichi." Kunimi said quietly, rounding the opposite side of the table and dodging him when he went to stop him.

"Akira?" What happened to Yuutarou? Or Yuu?

"I need to go home. Now and with or without you."

"Come to practise!"

Kunimi flinched in the classroom doorway.

"P-Please…?"

Kindaichi only got so much time to spend with him. And as much as he liked Kunimi's room, he was sick and tired of it. It was always too hot and claustrophobic in there.

It didn't take another beg for Kunimi to look back at him and then slowly make his way to the clubroom. His head was a little too below his shoulders at first but as soon as Kindaichi started going on about his English class he perked up again, lips trying not to smile at his usual chattiness.

-

"Hey Akira. Can we… talk?" Kindaichi asked Kunimi ominously when break was called. His hands tied together and as soon as Kunimi finished his water he nodded. "O-Outside, it's too warm in here."

Kunimi followed him outside, around the back of the gym to where the outside taps were. It was only just in the shade of trees, along with a convenient bench nearby.

They both took their time washing their faces, towels around their necks. "This thing you want to talk about can't be that important. If this takes a priority." Kunimi said softly with a smile.

"S-Sorry I just wanted to uh…"

"It's OK," Kunimi said as he straightened, turning the faucet off with a satisfying squeak and drying his cheeks, "I know."

"You know what?"

"You're thinking. You're always thinking."

Kindaichi followed his lead by drying himself off, rubbing the back of his neck with his own towel as he sat on the bench. He hooked a leg up on it and held the towel in his lap, fiddled with it.

"What is it?"

"I told Tobio, when…" Kindaichi paused, corrected himself, "I told Tobio that if you wouldn't confess, I would."

Kunimi turned, footstep crunching the soft gravel. "Confess what?"

"I think I like you." Kindaichi said in a single breath, then looked up. " _ Love _ . I think I  _ love _ you."

"What?" Kunimi choked.

A shaky breath was let out through Kindaichi's nose as he dipped his head. "You love me too, don't you, Akira?" He asked hopefully, shutting his eyes tight. A body shifted close to him. The bench creaked with another body before too-warm hands cupped his cheeks and dragged him to look back up.

"I am so glad you said that." Kunimi said through a laugh, a sad one. Kindaichi's eyes flickered open to see Kunimi's own, filled with tears. "Shit, you have no idea how many years-" Kunimi hiccuped softly.

"No. No I don't think I do." Kindaichi said, hands fisting his towel. "But I… I hope I can make it up to you, Akira."

"Then let me do this."

One of Kunimi's hands fell from his face. His other stayed cupping his cheek, thumb brushing the skin beneath his eye. Leaning in, Kunimi's eyes slid shut and his lips landed on Kindaichi's own.

Blood rushed through Kindaichi's ears, but he didn't dwell on the embarrassment when Kunimi's hand slid to the back of his head, other hand pulling him in around his back. Heat filled his entire body, sent his systems into overdrive as Kunimi knelt up so he was above him, pushed his tongue inside his mouth and gripped onto him tight. Kunimi's entire body was trembling, even his lips as he stole the third kiss from Kindaichi's lips, and as he took his mouth for the first time.

When Kunimi’s movements slowed and his breathing softened, a broken sob choked out.

Tears saltened the kiss, prompting Kunimi to pull back and lower down to sit on his calves. He fisted the front of Kindaichi's shirt and ducked his head low, shoulders shaking as he cried. Over the heat thrumming in his body, Kindaichi didn't know what to do but to hug him close.

"I'm… Yuutarou I'm scared…!"

"Wh… What are you talking about?" Kindaichi asked uneasily, pushing Kunimi's shoulders back to to try and look at his face. Kunimi Akira wasn't scared of anything. Yet he turned away, refused to look. "Akira?"

"I… I want to spend the rest of my life with you. That's… That's all I want. Forget nationals, whatever. All I want is you."

"Akira, look at me." He did, and he looked incredibly tired doing so. His lip quivered and Kindaichi couldn't bare it. "We'll get to nationals. You don't have to do that without me."

"That's not what I- That's… That's not going to happen."

"Stop saying it like that!"

"Yuutarou!" Kunimi said, raw and broken and through wet, messy tears. "Don't promise me something that's not going to happen."

A stuttered breath in, Kindaichi looked away, hands falling to Kunimi's hips. "I… want to spend the rest of my life with you too, Akira."

"No… don't… don't say that. You can't-" he hiccuped again, "-say that."

"It's true! This time it's not a promise, just what I want."

"When have I ever given you what you want?"

That was true enough, but Kindaichi couldn't laugh. Kunimi had never cried so much. He had never looked so small and frightened. Never in his life.

In the end, he was still just a fifteen-year-old boy, afraid to die alone like anyone his age. He could lie to himself and pretend not to care all he wanted but right now, in the presence of the boy he had been in love with practically all his life, nothing was hidden. Cut open raw for Kindaichi to see. This was Kunimi. The real Kunimi Akira.

His parents knew nothing. He himself knew very little. He wanted Kindaichi to know it all.

He had felt it all day.

As it always was, Kindaichi Yuutarou was the one to set his heart on fire.

He couldn't ask for more than to fall limp into Kindaichi's body heat, listen to his racing heart beat and his panicked breaths. His own hands still fisted Kindaichi's shirt, begging him not to leave him alone.

When did Kindaichi ever listen to him anyway?

-

"Oi, break ended like an hour ago. Mizoguchi's been getting suspicious! You better not be snogging or some shit!" Iwaizumi's voice boomed across the courtyard.

No response from the bodies at the bench. Then he saw the green and ran.

"Kindaichi! Kunimi!"

His heart rapidly hammered in his chest as he sprinted to the two. His footfalls slowed significantly as he approached them, blood running cold as he saw the AED strewn over the floor. Barely able to spare a glance at the still Kunimi, Iwaizumi looked down at Kindaichi and steeled himself.

"K… Kindaichi…"

No movement. Kunimi's shirtless body lay flat on the bench, Kindaichi on one knee next to it, head on one of Kunimi's arms while holding his hand.

"Kindaichi?"

Hesitantly, Iwaizumi knelt down next to the middle blocker, teeth gritted and breaths unsteady. His next words came out wobbly as he wound an arm around Kindaichi's back rising and falling smoothly with his steady breathing rhythm, "Kindaichi… how long…?"

He didn't move a single finger.

"Kindaichi you have to-"

"He-" Kindaichi started, tone low and shattered, broken as if he had been screaming his throat raw, "I think he… while I was-"

"We need to get someone… OK?"

Kunimi had died alone and Kindaichi could never forget that.

“OK? Stay here, I’ll be back in a minute.” Iwaizumi said, patting Kindaichi’s shoulder before standing back and biting his lip. He still hadn’t moved, almost as still as the body of Kunimi peaceful on the bench, breeze causing the leaves of the tree to move, their shadows giving the illusion that Kunimi’s face was moving.

Distantly, Iwaizumi thought, he looked happy, and he spent the jog back to the gym thinking about whether the face as someone dies is actually stuck that way for eternity. If it was, Iwaizumi knew no-one could’ve made Kunimi look as happy as Kindaichi did. The thoughts were just that, though, a distraction from the tears rolling down his cheeks.

He tripped up on the steps back into the gym, eyes too clouded to judge right and he landed on his knees just inside. It was stupid for him to do it… he needed to stay strong for Kindaichi, but he fell then to his forearms, shut his eyes to let his tears fall onto the floor in front of him.

Kunimi was dead.

It was no secret he was going to die at any moment but… any time was too soon. He was…  _ fifteen _ .

The familiar sound of a balls dropping, bouncing ever quicker until it rolled to a stop. The gym was silent and then Iwaizumi cried out softly.

“Iwa-” A voice started started. Footsteps sped to him and hands gripped his shoulders, forced his head up.

Oikawa’s face was a blur of skin and brown eyes to Iwaizumi. “K… Kunimi…” he managed, hands now in fists on the floor. Two tears dripped from his cheeks, spattering on the floor between Oikawa’s knees.

A bench creaked. Oikawa’s hands on his shoulders trembled and as the tears blurring his eyes fell from his lashes he could see Oikawa’s face clearer. As devastated as he was, Oikawa’s next words fell apart on his tongue. “Where’s Kin… Kindaichi?” His sweet voice shouldn’t have been so broken.

“He’s… with him.” Perhaps the term was ‘with _ his body _ ’. Iwaizumi seriously couldn’t care less. “He… He’s…”

A sob wracked his entire body, shuddering with the force.

Oikawa shot a teary look to coach Irihata, stood next to the bench. The old man turned to Mizoguchi, whispered into his ear and set off past them and outside.

When Mizoguchi paled, frozen, the rest of the gym fell heavy and not just from heat.

It wasn’t hard to guess, and within moments Oikawa had pulled Iwaizumi up and stopped two people moving past them to the door.

“Not happening.”

The faces of the two first-years fell, tears in their eyes apparent. Friends of Kindaichi’s, in extension, Kunimi’s, and it broke his heart further knowing that for the rest of their lives they could say they had a friend who had died so young.

It was cruel even knowing that what he was doing was right. After all, it was worse for someone to be able to say that, at the ripe old age of sixteen, they had seen the dead body of said friend.

Iwaizumi could, at the ripe old age of eighteen. So Oikawa hugged him, followed closely behind by two other pairs of arms, encircling all of him.

None of them wanted to imagine losing their friend. Even worse was losing a lover, especially a first. To death, over all else.

-

Irihata had to physically pry Kindaichi off the boy, hold his forearms from behind and hold him to his chest as he desperately reached out for Kunimi again. When he couldn’t, Kindaichi cried out, curled over on himself and forced them both to the floor, Kindaichi on his knees.

He had been so calm and yet…

“I can’t- I can’t leave him! He… He said-!”

_ I want to spend the rest of my life with you. _

“Shh, I know.”

Kindaichi didn’t stop struggling. It was no secret he was one of the strongest members of the team, certainly stronger than Irihata himself, but Irihata knew all too well how to restrain someone and from this position he had all the control over him. Kindaichi wasn’t getting away.

“Please!” He begged, kneepads scraping the floor in an effort to plant a foot down. It didn’t happen with the weight on top of him and he instead crippled beneath it, body losing all of its strength.

It wasn’t dissimilar to the times when his grandson stopped crying and squirming in his arms, falling silent and exhausted, body still but for the soft breaths on his neck as he patted his back. This was undeniably much more heartbreaking. This was no baby. This was a sixteen-year-old losing his best friend of most his life overtaken by grief and sorrow.

Now he was glad he left calling the hospital to Mizoguchi. This was tough even for him. His eyes near-burned with the threat of tears, but strong as ever he didn’t let any upset show through.

Kunimi hadn’t exactly been Mizoguchi’s favourite player but right now he could only imagine his pain, like everyone else’s. Idiot was probably bumbling over the phone...

Curled in on himself, Kindaichi sobbed. His arms ached as the warm hands gripping his forearms left him, only for him to press his hands into his eyes like he was trying to force them further into his skull. He saw only dark fuzz behind them, like a fake, blackened sky on the brink of cutting off permanently. It had for Kunimi. Who knew how long Kindaichi would have to live until it happened to him, too?

Too long.

The head coach left his back, shifted to the side and placed a hand on his back instead. “Kindaichi, why don’t we go inside?”

Why do anything? "But Akira-"

"I think Kunimi would forgive you for leaving him."

Like he left him to get the AED.

The tall boy paused, hands unfurling from his eyes to wipe them. He stared at the ground, head pounding. "He… would've."

Irihata raised a curious eyebrow.

"I guess… It doesn't matter now, huh?" Kindaichi said with a upwards twitch of lips and a shrug - both of which fell immediately upon blinking and sending tears to the dry ground, soaked up by the dust.

Irihata couldn't answer that too well, though he was sure it was rhetorical. "It matters to you. I think he would." It wasn't a lie.

-

The gym was empty but for the people that mattered. The walk back seemed forever, Irihata holding his hand to his back the entire time. Perhaps it was a silent message not to look back. Kindaichi was sure if he had, he would've been tricked into thinking the sight was simply Kunimi sleeping on that bench like he tended to do, taking in the cool breeze in the shade.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You want me to twist the knife in?
> 
> You want me to twist the knife in, don't you?


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise I'll try not to drag it out much longer... I just keep writing... and writing...
> 
> Letters, timeskips and flashbacks, here we go!

_ Yuutarou Kindaichi, _

_ I heard you yesterday. I know I promised you something when we were five. Five-year-olds are stupid, you know? Especially me and even more especially, you. How was I supposed to know my heart was as weak as it was? _

_ I hope I see you again. If I do, I'm going to kiss that stupid look off your face. Because in all of this, my heart is weak for you, Yuutarou. I don't know how long I've liked you, maybe since we first met, maybe somewhere afterwards, but it's undeniable. I may never know if you like me the same way, but at least if you don't, I don't ever  _ **_have_ ** _ to know. The you I confess to in my head confesses back and that fantasy can stay with me. _

_ To business. If I die in this godforsaken hospital - I know it like the back of my hand, now - You are going to go and make up with that idiot Tobio. You can't deny me now, Yuutarou. Besides, Tobio was the one in middle school that was so desperate to check going to nationals off my bucket list… _

_ Surprise. _

_ Even if you're reading this alone, I know you're still going to get that red, angry face that you do when anyone talks about him. I know you're just too much of a stubborn ass to apologise. You like him a lot, really. He knows you're coming, so he's looking forward to having his head ripped off, just so you know. (Even worse, if you refuse to go to him, he'll be coming to you so… better be prepared to get  _ **_your_ ** _ head torn off.) He's known for longer than you have, and I'm guessing he'll be the one you need after I'm gone. _

_ Don't you dare cut yourself off from anyone. If you end up quitting volleyball you bet your ass I'll haunt you 'til you get fed up of the random ghost volleyballs hitting you in your stupid face all the time and get to nationals like I couldn't. _

_ I know you better than anyone in the world. I would never want to know another. Thanks for being my best friend. _

_ I love you, Yuutarou Kindaichi. _

_ Kunimi Akira x _

_ ~ _

_ I can't pay attention in class today. I re-read this letter and decided that… while some of it isn't quite relevant anymore, some of it is. So I'm not going to scribble it out. I'm not that embarrassed about what I confessed. _

_ I'm such a sap at heart, I think. I didn't really know until I wrote that how pathetic I can be sometimes. For all my comments about how pathetic  _ **_you_ ** _ are, I realise I can't exactly talk. Sometimes I wish I had opened up more to you. I don't think anyone knows enough about me for me to be memorable. Even my parents couldn't hope to understand me. _

_ I've cried more this past week than I have my entire life, believe it or not, every time I say goodbye to you. _

_ You want to know a secret? I actually had another one. In my room one night after you left. Thankfully or not, I (well, since I'm writing this, it's quite obvious) woke up over the table. You left your homework and I used that as another excuse to see you. Thinking about it, if you weren't such an airhead and you realised and came back for it, I think I might've given  _ **_you_ ** _ a heart attack.  _

_ I don't know if it's the best or worst outcome if you were the last person to see me alive. If anything, I bet you cry like a baby either way. I hate seeing you cry, even if you do look cute while doing it. _

_ I fell asleep in class yesterday. You should've seen everyone panic. I didn't know so many people cared about me. I barely know the names of anyone in my class. I guess, since apparently most of the school knows, I won't really get much peace. No more sleeping in class for me. _

_ Again, I'm rambling. When I'm not talking to you face-to-face I find it easier to talk to you. Don't you think that's funny? Now I know how it must feel to have an incredibly one-sided conversation like you have most days. _

_ I can feel another one. I don't think I've ever told anyone I can feel one coming, not even the doctor. _

_ I don't want to die today, but it's not like I have a choice. _

_ I guess, if it happens like last time and I do wake up, I'll pretend it never did. I hope I do. I haven't seen you since this morning. In any case, my parents have put me on lockdown. If I don't go home straight from school today they're pulling me. I might not ever see you again, if that's the case, though I'm sure you'll find a way to drag me with you anyway… _

_ It's not that hard. _

_ I'd follow you into death, if it was the other way around. _

_ It sounds dramatic, I know. Something like that would never cross your mind. At least I hope it doesn't, and I'm not putting things into your head. If anything, all I want to do is see you grow, fill out that big head of yours and go to college, maybe continue playing volleyball for me or something. _

_ I'm jealous. You've got quite the future ahead. _

_ Yuutarou Kindaichi, the love of my life, don't mourn me too much, OK? You do better when you don't dwell on the small things. _

_ That said, you dare forget me either. I still demand flowers, since you'd never get them for me in life. _

_ Ah, I'm mistaken. You did once. You were such a girl when you were younger. _

_ I hope my last goodbye won't be on paper, but just in case it has to be… _

_ Goodbye, Yuutarou. I loved you. _

_ Akira Kunimi x _

 

-

Still curled up in bedsheets, not even the alarm screaming at him from his phone could give him the motivation to wake. He booked a day off for one reason and one reason only.

Fifteen years. To the day, that's how long his childhood best friend had been dead. It was also how long he had been alive, too.

As requested, Kindaichi never forgot Kunimi Akira. He had been reading it last night, words on faded paper in neat handwriting. It was written on the same day of his death. He had predicted it pretty accurately, apart from the fact that… well, Kindaichi was absolutely in love with him.

The alarm turned off, and a change in tone signified his other childhood best friend, all the way in Tokyo, checking in.

He got this call every year. Telling him to get the fuck out of bed and to shower and suit up.  _ Don't forget the flowers. _

Like Kindaichi would ever forget the flowers.

It rang non-stop for five minutes before Kindaichi reached out and answered.

"Yuutarou, get up."

"It's too early, Tobio." Kindaichi said drearily, sounding too much like his old friend.

"You're telling me.  _ I'm _ the one who got up three hours ago…"

Bragging already, huh? He knew Kageyama needed to stay fit and all - coming back from his two-year retirement to be on next year's Olympic team had all but re-ignited Kageyama's old flame and he wouldn't stop going on about it.

Not to Kindaichi, at least. Not one day went by without at least a message from the now vibrant raven-haired man. Most days they talked on the phone, and although nowadays Kindaichi didn't have much to say, Kageyama did, and that was enough. Kindaichi liked listening to Kageyama. It kept him out of his thoughts.

"Sorry you've got such a blooming- sorry _ , demanding _ career, Tobio." Kindaichi said with a small grin. He could never really be bitter, not again. The only thing he felt of Kageyama was proud. If anything, he could at least brag to the people he met that he was best friends with a two-time Olympic gold medalist.

Kageyama laughed softly on the other end of the line. As on this day every year, it was the thing that made Kindaichi sit up and run a hand through too-long hair. "You sound tired."

Still as blunt as ever. "Like I said. Too early."

"Too bad."

Aggressive knocking at the door made Kindaichi jump too high than he'd ever admit. "Ah! Sorry Tobio, I'm gonna have to call you back." he said quickly, jumping up and grabbing the first shirt he could find.

"Wait it's-"

Kindaichi mumbled an apology for the probably fuming setter as he hung up the phone, pulled on a shirt a little too tight and stumbled quickly to the door of his apartment.

It was early.

-

"Idiot." Kageyama mumbled, waiting for the fumbling of locks on the other side of the door so he could finish what he was saying. A whoosh of air almost sucked him into the warm apartment before he was met with the flustered face of his best friend. "...me."

Neither of them blinked before Kageyama was pushed back by the force of Kindaichi's hug. Strong arms flung themselves around him, squeezed him until he feared for his life. Kindaichi was the best hugger in the world, if there was one. Kageyama dropped the bag in his hand to return it, huffing a laugh into the taller man's neck.

"Been a while, huh?"

"Tobio…"

"Are you…?"

"Not all of us are emotionless robots!" Kindaichi argued half-heartedly into Kageyama's fluffy coat hood. One of Hinata's gifts, if he could guess. Yes, he was crying. Kageyama should've be training and going to press conferences and… whatever it was that he did, not visiting his sad old friend. He wouldn't say that, though, in fear Kageyama would take him seriously and leave just as quick.

Usually, Kindaichi was the one pulling back from an awkwardly long time hugging, ' _Any longer and you'd be obliged to take him on a date,_ _Tobio.'_ but this time it was Kageyama. "You're letting the heat out."

"Of course that's what you'd be worried about." Kindaichi said with a laugh as he pulled back to look at Kageyama through blurry eyes.

_ He  _ **_looks_ ** _ tired, too _ , Kageyama thought, head tilting to look closer at him.

"You… Have a lot of stuff…" Kindaichi mused as he wiped his tears to eye the bags. "Planning on staying?" He joked.

"I… can we sit down?"

"Ah! Sure, I'm sorry! Let me get them!" Kindaichi flustered, bending down to pick up the large duffel he had been carrying. Kageyama let him, if only because his arm was aching like crazy. It was a little bit of a trek up to the top of the building, though he supposed the view up here was something.

Kageyama shucked his other bag up on his shoulder before following Kindaichi into his home. It was cosy, though not too small, and as he toed off his shoes it hit him. Maybe he should've announced his coming beforehand.

“Where do you want them?” Kindaichi asked as he hefted the bag over his shoulder with little effort, opening the door to the living space. Light, airy, comfortable, south-facing window giving all the light they could need. Not only that, but as soon as he stepped in he could smell them - a perfect bunch of daffodils in a vase on the kotatsu. Everything about the room was a contrast to Kindaichi himself.

“Anywhere…”

He was too busy in awe of the attention Kindaichi gave to this place. He and Hinata were pretty nightmarish at tidying up. Maybe next time he should get Kindaichi to go over to his…

"You're miles away…" Kindaichi said, face fallen and in his. 

Oh, did he miss something important? "S-Sorry."

"I know it's a bit of a dump, but you don't have to give it  _ that _ look." He sighed.

What look? Was he giving it a look? "It's… amazing."

Was that… Kageyama being honest? Without being a total dick? Or was he just trying to make him feel better? "Bet it's nothing like you got back in Tokyo! Gotta be a whole other world, right? Compared to, well…" Kindaichi shrugged his shoulders, gesturing to the entirety of Miyagi.

"I miss it, sometimes." Considering most of his friends stayed close by, he and Hinata were the only ones so far out of the way. Maybe he could pop in and-

"Then are you planning on actually being here?" Kindaichi said with a soft chuckle, "Instead of in your head? At least take your coat off!"

Kageyama did, then let Kindaichi hang it up for him, along with his other bag, then rummage through his fridge for food. All while he himself paced around, looked out the window for a bit before sitting under the kotatsu.

He was lazily fingering the edge of a daffodil when Kindaichi spoke up, leaning over the kitchen counter to look at him. "You OK with fish? I probably don't have any the shit you professionals need to eat."

Kindaichi wasn't planning to have breakfast this morning. He wasn't planning to get up this morning.

"Fish is good. Actually, perfect." Kageyama confirmed over the flowers.

"Great! If I start, could you keep an eye? I should… get changed."

"Sure…" Kageyama said, distant. When should he bring it up? Neither of them had even mentioned it. "I like your flowers."

Kindaichi completely ignored him. That, or he was too busy with the fish to hear.

-

"Wow! What is that?"

A small clump of grass at the corner of the clubroom building had been growing for a while. No-one paid any attention to it until today, where a flower had poked through. Yellow petals fluttering, goading the young boy over.

"It's a flower, idiot." Kageyama said in the most condescending tone he could manage.

"I know  _ that _ !" Kindaichi harrumphed, scowling back at him until the flower caught his attention again. "What's it called?"

"A  _ flower _ ."

Kageyama could argue till his dying day that what he said was true, that Kindaichi should've been more specific in his question.

For better or worse, Kindaichi didn't respond, bending down to pick it.

"It's going to die now…" Kageyama muttered beneath his breath, but when Kindaichi held it up triumphantly with a toothy grin, his whole mood brightened with it. Still, he pouted and crossed his arms as if it would hide the sudden blush on his cheeks. "You know flowers die when you pick them?"

Kindaichi's face faltered slightly, "If I take good care of it, put it in water, it won't."

Kageyama never had the heart to tell him otherwise. Though, perhaps he could keep it alive just that little bit longer if he did take care of it.

Then Kunimi came in while they were changing, a droop to his features that Kageyama recognised. He had had another one.

When Kunimi heard Kindaichi's voice, though, he straightened, put on his mask and greeted them both. He still sounded tired but as Kindaichi said, he just needed cheering up.

"Ah! Here, have this!" Kindaichi said as if it was the thing that would cure him, turned around to pick up the flower from the bench and held it towards him.

Kageyama knew then and there that Kunimi wasn't just entertaining a crush on the boy, as he watched Kunimi desperately try to keep his lips in a line and hide the expression in his eyes. Kageyama saw them all, Kindaichi saw none.

"You could probably take way better care of it than me. Besides, you're always so gloomy." Kindaichi said without a care for the insult of it, "It's pretty, so might cheer you up for once."

It took a moment for Kunimi to take it from him, but once he did, Kindaichi visibly relaxed and finished changing.

Later that day, Kunimi disappeared from practise. It wasn't anything new, but when he was crying - again - in the toilets, Kageyama worried.

Kunimi took great care of the flower, even bought a small vase for it and everything.

It died after just a few days. He was just as devastated then as he was when he first received it.

While next year there was another in its place, it didn't do much to cheer him up.

"Another year, another chance to die."

Kageyama heard him say it once. By far the most grim sentiment Kunimi ever had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This isn't the end yet.
> 
> Soon, I promise.


End file.
